if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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