So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
