i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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