My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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