I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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