the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
