I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
