Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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