I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
