hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
