Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
