peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
