I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Did I show you my penis last night?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
