Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
