I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
