Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
