She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
