I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
