What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
