Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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