i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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