I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize