I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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