Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Randomize
