It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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