Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You've changed since you got that strap on
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
