We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
