Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
