i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
