Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
