i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
