Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
