i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
