the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
