in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
