Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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