Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Couch. On fire.
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