I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
