I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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