I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just cropdusted the office
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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