I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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