meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
