I think my vagina is haunted
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
