Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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