Small penises have feelings too.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
