I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize