$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
