So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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