I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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