How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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