Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
