anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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