If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
