cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
is it fun? or sober?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
