I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
