How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm so fucking centered right now
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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