So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
