Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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