I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
