You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
