So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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