I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
