I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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