I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize