My room smells like vodka and shame
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
