I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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